You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.