Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

The Backseat Boys

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY