Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes: