You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
You Might Also Like
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.