Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

Mapping America’s Far Right

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep