You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?