You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.