You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
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just got my engagement photos
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
still the best tweet of the year by far
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?