Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?