You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
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[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
