Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.