Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Love is always patient and kind.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.