Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.