You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
found this cool rock hiking today
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH