You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
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[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Why? Just why? 😂
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.