You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
You Might Also Like
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
This was the best day of my life
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
secret recipe
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.