You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
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I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Truly one of the great bangers
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Tony Hawk, age 6
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?