You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The Joker was right
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.