Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.