Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Still cracks me up

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin