You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
incredible google review i just found
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
okay run it by me one more time
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Chemical wingman
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.