You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.