You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Anime is real
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.