You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Yeah. This was me today.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My five year plan is a meteorite
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.