Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

I know

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

there’s probably a fee though

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?