you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
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“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills