Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

Weirdly Wednesday.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes