Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…