You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
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HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Wednesday
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.