You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
The opposite of Iceland is water water