Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

Why do meteors always land in craters?

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby