You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
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Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™