Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.