Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?