Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

every olympics i turn into this guy

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.