Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes