You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’