Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

Encore…

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka