Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

Orange is oranging 🟠

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone