You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
You Might Also Like
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
hmm conte-me mais
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”