You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
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That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Denise please return my vape pen
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.