Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor