Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what it’s like dating me:

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it