Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.