Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.