Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

This is enough internet for the day.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

Adultry does not sound fun at all

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer