Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

I falcon love using swear birds

San Francisco has too many rules

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

this is the greatest thing ever

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.