You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
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For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Lmao
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil