You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car