You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
time machine? you mean a clock?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.