You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.

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My favourite machine at the gym is the television.


Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts


Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.


And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
Matthew 4:23


I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.


WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to download the new Nickelback single


*Pops up from the backseat as you’re driving*

*Duct tapes your neck to the head rest*

Now, why are you telling people I’m crazy?!!