I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.
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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave
My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she’s not looking, I switch the cups.