You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.

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I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.


Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.


Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.


Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*


History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.


DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]


Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?


For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me


You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave


My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she’s not looking, I switch the cups.