Cats (2019)
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facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.