Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.