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I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.