You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
You Might Also Like
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.