You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
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all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
SONOFA
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”