You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
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accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
🍞🦆
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.