Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄