You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
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Worth a try
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
When someone trying to leave me
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.