Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”