You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.