@Midgetspar

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

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@leslid79

32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

@RedRegenerated

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

@AIanHangover

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@DJRotaryRachel

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

@drhappyknuckles

DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.

PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.

DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

@robots_feel

date: what do you do

me: im a doctor

date: oh that’s cool

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor

@fro_vo

Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what

@moreki_mo

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity