You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion