32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.
PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.
DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
date: what do you do
me: im a doctor
date: oh that’s cool
me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor
Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity