you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.