Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!