you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
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Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
this came to me in a vision
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
the #horror is real!
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
