Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

I put the p in pants.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that