you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
You Might Also Like
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Story of my life…..
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way