Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

My dog ate my work from home.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

describing stardew valley

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*