Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]