Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!