You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
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My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
hmmm
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.