Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect