You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Mmmm canned fish.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”