You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
won’t smith
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My therapist after every session
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.