You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
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Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
i choose….tongue
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Bike for sale
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!