Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.