You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
This is my favorite one of these!
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”